Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive
We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time’s forever frozen still
And if you hurt me
That’s okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won’t ever let you go
Wait for me to come home
When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.
You’re the only person with the ability to make me smile without even trying. I want you to know that I am so very grateful for you. I’m so grateful for all the wonderful memories we have shared: all the smiles and the laughters. You light up my world and show me things I never dreamed I’d see. Thank you for all that you do for me and all that you have given me. thank you for being you.
you know when you’re in the shower and you think of all these things and youre like im going to write this awesome thing. and then you sit down to write them and youre like… ummmm what was i going to say?
i know i wanted to list all the things i am. all the horrible things i am. all my flaws. but then i cant remember why. i dont remember the point in that. and thats all i got. thats all i can remember but yet when i was in the shower i was thinking of all these things. and now nothing
i cant even think of how i feel. other than. i miss you. i miss it all. its the most interesting thing. when youre with someone you can sit there and pick at their flaws and notice all the bad things but never ever mention the good things. well for me at least. and yet as soon as someones leaves all you think about is the good things. god forbid there were any bad moments. but when you’re hurt, like really hurt, you cant really forget about the bad moments. and you use that to fuel you to. to try to move on. and here’s where im at.
i dont want to, move on that is. i do but i dont. i want to be better. i want to be better with him. i would give up a lot of things in this world to have him in my life. because i am not myself without him. he is everything im not. he is my opposite. and while this creates a lot of fights, a lot, more than there should be, its also why i value the relationship. because its a reminder of what i need to be. what i should be. i should be better. were a balance. im too blunt hes too passive. im very outgoing hes very introverted etc. and maybe it wont work maybe were not meant to be maybe i should quit while im ahead. but dont you work hard for what you want in life? should this be any different? i dont know. i feel like maybe hes given up he probably has. and it absolutely crushes my heart the thought that maybe he has. but i can only hope he feels the same and is willing to fight for me too. whats sad is i have so much to say to him. so much i havent said. so much that he probably knows but i know needs to be said outloud cuz i never did. and now i feel like ive lost my chance. i dont know how to fight anymore without pushing him away. i just want to fight for us without pushing him further. and so space. im giving him the space he needs. and its killing me to do so. thats another thing i dont get “i might make it look easy that doesn’t mean its not” so why deny yourself of doing whats easy. do you really think ignoring me when everything in your body your mind your heart is tell you not to is going to help you? if ive learned anything of my fathers death its this. you dont know when you’ll get your life sentence you dont know when itll end. you dont know how or when how soon or how long you have in this life. so make every moment count. surround yourself with people you want to surround yourself with. do what you want. live your life. "I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of of saying true things" i want you in my life. i feel as though i need you in my life. i dont want to waste time giving you space id rather spend time fixing us. because i need us. i want us. its one of the very few things in my life i know i want for sure for a long long time. i know im difficult and stubborn and rude and picky and i nit pick and nag. but i do it cuz i just want us now and forever i want us to be right for the future for however long my future is. because you just never know. and yes this space it is slowly killing me inside. it hurts in all the worse ways. but im trying. im trying to give you the space you asked for. the space i think you need. the space i needed to know this. but know. this is why i was never able to. because im impatient. because i want it all right now. because i want you always and i dont want to waste more time.
"I am in love with you. I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.”
today will be a different kind of post. not a reflection as per usual as there is so much going on in my head, my body and my heart, i dont think i can bare to sit and write it all without it killing me. i dont really know what to write only that i know if i didnt i would regret not writing. so i guess ill just write this
five years is too long to go without you. and i wish i didnt have to go much further but im going to sit here and do what i think youd want for me. live the life youd want me to live. grow up to be the girl you wanted me to be. and thats all i can hope for is hope im making you proud up there. up im making the right decisions. be strong for everyone but mainly for myself.
and quotes cuz i cant think of anything else
"the worst feeling is pretending you don’t seem to care about something when in reality its all you seem to think about"
"sometimes crying is the only way your eyes speak when your mouth can’t explain how broken your heart is"
"I think the best thing you could do, is live your life as if they were still here"
“A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.”
and finally, last year i ended with a quote from my mother. today i will end with a quote from my brother:
5 years. 260 weeks. 1825 days. what id give to have 1 day. 1 hour. 1 more moment with you.
you always think of the things you need to say when it’s too late.